Unacceptable Love
by Just Ducky 722
Summary: Ellie comes out as a lesbian to family and friends. STORY COMPLETED!
1. Author's Note

Author's Note  
  
The customary disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. I don't own the characters. Hell, I'm broke, and own very little, so owing a TV show doesn't seem like it'll happen any time soon.   
  
This story idea has been in my head for a while. Actually, the whole damn situation has been with me for a while, but that's another story.   
  
I've debated a long time about which character should be my main character. I've had the story idea planned out since the beginning of my last story (which took me forever to write), but I had no idea who my main character should be. I'm still not sure I went with the right person. The only person I ruled out was Liberty. I couldn't tell you why, but I did. Hope the main character is a good choice.   
  
Enjoy!  
  
~Ashley 


	2. The Inevitable Breakup

I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing. Oh, sure, the movie was good. It was great actually. I was surprised, considering Spinner had picked it out. I could even handle hanging out with Paige and some of her gang, considering how much we disliked each other. But Marco putting his arm around me every time Spinner looked over at us? That was making me uncomfortable.   
  
Ever since Marco stopped being confused, and told me he was gay, "dating" him didn't hold its old appeal to me. When he was confused, at least I could pretend in my mind that he was straight. But now, now that he knew for sure that he's gay, pretending has gotten a lot harder.  
  
And now, on this group date Marco had roped me into, I was feeling really stupid about the whole thing. Sure, Marco was a great guy, but he wasn't my great guy, and how long could I keep pretending for him?   
  
Suddenly, Paige and Spinner started making out. Marco glanced at them, and looked at me. With only a moment's thought, he leaned over and kissed me too. And then again. What was he going to do, make out with me?! This wasn't fair to me at all.   
  
I pushed him away, hard. "Stop it!" I hissed. Spinner and Paige stopped kissing and looked over at me and Marco.   
  
"Uhhh," Spinner said, ackwardly.   
  
"Come on Ellie," Marco said, and pulled me out of the theater.   
  
When we got out of the doors I yelled, "What the hell was that about?"  
  
"Ellie, I just…I…" Marco trailed off, looking ashamed.  
  
"You went to far this time. I can't do this for you anymore. I'm not your girlfriend. Go find another girl to hide behind. This whole charade, this whole lie, its over."  
  
"Ellie, I…"   
  
I didn't hear the rest of Marco's word. I ran out of the theater, crying. Sure, I knew it wasn't like a real breakup. We were never really going out. But all that security I had, of having Marco as a very low-maintenance boyfriend, was gone. 


	3. Girl Talk

When I got home, I called Ashley.  
  
"What's up, Ellie?" she asked me.  
  
"Me and Marco, we're over. Done, finished, completely through."  
  
"Oh Ellie, that's terrible. I'm so sorry. But hey, I'm hanging out with Craig and his cousin today. She's moving here from the States, and I'm sure she'd love to meet some new people. Her name's Lindsey. Why don't you come on with us, and hang out? We're going bowling, and then we'll grab something to eat. How about it? I know Craig won't mind."  
  
"You know, Ash, that sounds like a great idea. What time?"  
  
"Craig and Lindsey are coming over to my house at about 8. Why don't you get here at about 7:30?"  
  
"Sure, that sounds great. I'll see you then." I hung up, and decided to take a shower and change before I left.   
  
I got out of the shower at about 7, and changed into some clean clothes. I headed downstairs to let my mom know where I was headed, and then started walking to Ash's house.   
  
I rang the doorbell, only a little bit early, and Ash opened the door, still in her bathrobe. She had just finished showering too.   
  
"You can come up to my room," Ash told me. "I'm just going to get dressed."  
  
"Ok, whatever." I replied, and we headed upstairs. We got into her room, and she started changing. "Hey, you, uh, want me to wait outside?"  
  
"Nah, you've seen me change in gym plenty of times."  
  
I nodded, and tried to avoid looking at her. I couldn't help looking though. She was really pretty, I noticed. She has a really great body. And then I realized what I was doing. "Knock it off Ellie," I thought angrily to myself. "Why the hell are you checking out Ash?" A moment later, Ash finished changing, so it didn't matter anymore anyways.  
  
"So, El, I told you to come over here a little early, just so I could warn you about something. Its not really a big deal, but Craig told me, and I just thought I'd let you know before Lindsey got here."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Lindsey's gay. Openly, in fact. She's moving here to get away from the harassment she was getting at her school. Craig's worried that it won't be much better at Degrassi, because nobody's really accepting. Lindsey said she didn't care; she just wanted to get away from the physical abuse. I asked Craig, what had happened to Lindsey, but Craig said he didn't know. Lindsey never talks about it to anyone. But anyways, I just thought I'd let you know."  
  
"Oh, thanks, that was nice of you. But it really wouldn't have mattered anyways. Stuff like that doesn't bother me."  
  
"I figured it wouldn't, but I thought I'd let you know anyways."  
  
She headed into the bathroom to put on her makeup, and I followed.   
  
"So, why'd you break up with Marco?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Come on El, that's bull. Really, why'd you do it?"  
  
"Would it be acceptable to tell you that I can't tell you?"  
  
Ash stared at me for a moment. "Sure, El, that'd be okay for now."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"But are you ok? I mean, you don't seem too upset."  
  
"I'm fine, really. I guess dating him never really meant as much to me as dating someone should."  
  
"I'm still sorry. Even if you aren't totally heartbroken." I giggled at her last statement.  
  
"Ellie Nash, heartbroken over any boy? Come on Ash, I don't think so!" We both giggled at that. It did seem ridiculous.   
  
The doorbell rang a moment later, and we both headed downstairs. 


	4. Meeting Lindsey

Ash opened the door, and Lindsey and Craig walked in.   
  
"Hey Ash," Craig created her, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. Then he noticed me. "Oh, hey El, I didn't know you'd be here." He smiled at me. "Are you going to come bowling with us?"  
  
Ashley answered for me. "El's gonna hang with us today." She glanced at me, and I nodded. "She just broke up with Marco, and instead of letting her sit at home alone and mope, I told her to come with us."  
  
"Hey, that's cool. Anyway, Ash and El, this is my cousin Lindsey."  
  
Lindsey shook Ash's hand, and then mine. I noticed Lindsey give me a glance, up and down, and then give a smile of approval. She was checking me out! This didn't bother me as much as I thought it should have, though.   
  
"Nice to meet both of you."  
  
We stood there, a little awkwardly for a minute. Then Lindsey said, "Well, can't tell we've just met each other." Everyone laughed at that. "Come on guys, lets go bowling."  
  
Ok, now I realize that going bowling sounds like a dorky thing to do, but around this town, it was about the only thing to do, that and going to a movie.   
  
We had a great time bowling. Ash and Craig were so cute together, giving each other little kisses. The nice thing about them was that, although they were kissing, they didn't go to far. It was just enough to be cute, without turning into a huge display of affection.   
  
The other thing I noticed was Lindsey was flirting with me! Not obvious flirting, but enough so that I noticed. Luckily, no one else noticed, or at least, I didn't think they did. When we finished our two games (I lost both, predictably), we headed over to the Dot. Ash headed in first, paused, and then turned right back around.   
  
"El," she said to me, "Marco's in there with Hazel!"  
  
For a moment, I felt sick. But then I realized that since I wasn't really mad at him (well, maybe a little, but not much), it wouldn't kill me to go in there. He'd probably avoid me anyways.   
  
And I was right. We headed in there, and Marco made eye contact with me. Blushing furiously, the turned his eyes back onto his food. Hazel asked him what was wrong, and he pointed to me, as discreetly as he could. She grabbed his hand, and told him not to worry. And then it hit me! The reason Marco was really embarrassed was because he was there with Hazel! As in, he had taken her on a date! On the same day that we had broken up! If I hadn't known he was gay, I would have thought he was a terrible player.  
  
Of course, Ash and Craig didn't know he was gay, so they thought he was a terrible player!   
  
"I can't believe that lying dirty snake would do that to you!" Craig exclaimed. "He's here with Hazel? He's WITH Hazel?"  
  
"Keep your voice down," I said to him. "Marco can here you!"  
  
"I hope he hears him!" Ash said. "Is this what you didn't want to tell me? You broke up with Marco because he's going out with Hazel too? There's nothing wrong with that! Hell, I'd like to be going out with him, just so I could break up with him too! Dirty, no good, lying baboon."  
  
I giggled. It was hilarious to hear Ash call him a buboon. "Ash, that's not why we broke up. I guess he just bounces back quickly from heartbreak. Don't be mad; I'm not!" I giggled again. It was hilarious to think of Marco playing two girls at once. He was gay! Of course, Ash didn't know that, so she didn't really find it as funny as I did.  
  
"Well, if you're not mad…"Craig trailed off.  
  
"Your boyfriend?" Lindsey asked me, looking a little disappointed.  
  
"Yeah, but we're over."  
  
This cheered her up a little bit. "Really?" she asked, hopefully.  
  
"Yeah," I replied, smiling back at her. I knew why she was happy, and it didn't bother me at all. Craig didn't notice any of this exchange; he was too busy glaring at Marco, but Ash did. She gave me a strange look, but let the moment pass. Marco and Hazel left pretty quickly after that, and Marco avoided my eyes as he left. After he left, we got our meals, and started eating.  
  
Too soon, the night was over. Ash said to me, "Um, hey El, you left your, er, you left your school bag at my house. You'd better come over and get it. You can help me with my English anyways."  
  
I gave her a weird look, and was about to tell her that I didn't leave anything at her house, but then she glanced at Lindsey, and back to me with a huge questioning look on her face. Damn, I got the point. She wanted to know what was up.   
  
"Um, yeah, I'll do that tonight."  
  
"We'll walk you home. Lindsey's staying at Joey's house tonight, and so she has to tag along with me anyways," Craig offered.  
  
"Sounds good to me," Ash responded, as we left the Dot.  
  
Ash and Craig walked a few step ahead of us, holding hands, talking quietly, and occasionally kissing. Lindsey and I were behind them. She handed me a small piece of paper, folded in half.  
  
"Its my phone number," she whispered to me. "Give me a call if you're interested. Or even if you just want to hang out as friends. You're cool." I knew she tried to talk quietly, so Craig and Ash wouldn't hear, but Ash turned her head around quickly, glanced at me, and then turned back around. Damn, I couldn't wait for the conversation that would take place as soon as we got into her house.  
  
Minutes later, we were there. We all said goodbye to each other (Craig and Ash sharing yet another kiss), and then they left. Ash and I turned, headed into her house, and up to her room. The second we got in there and she closed the door, Ash asked me, excitedly, "What was that all about?" 


	5. Confessions!

"What was that all about?" Ash asked me.  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked, feigning innocence. Even I wasn't sure what all that was about, so I stalled.  
  
"El!" Ash shouted at me. "She was like, totally flirting with you, and you were totally responding!"  
  
"And you are, like, totally talking like Paige."  
  
"You're impossible! You know I talk like that when I get excited. It's because of years of being Paige's shadow. But who cares! Spill your guts! What the hell was that all about? Are you gay, and just forgot to mention it to me?"  
  
"Does it matter?"  
  
"Well, not in terms of our friendship, but yeah, I'd have liked to know! And why would you go out with Marco? Are you bi? What's the deal? YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"  
  
"Nosey, aren't we?" I giggled. I knew I should be taking this more seriously, but how could I? Ash was hilarious when she was excited.   
  
"Ellie Nash!" she yelled, "Spill your guts now, or I disembowel you!" Even she could say that with a straight face.   
  
"You're going to disembowel me?" I asked, barely able to get the question out, I was laughing so hard. She started giggling too. Pretty soon, we could hardly breathe, we were giggling so hard. After a while though, we calmed down.  
  
"So?" Ash asked, determined to get an answer.  
  
"So what?"  
  
"Don't make me hurt you! What was up with you and Lindsey?!"  
  
"To be honest, I don't know what's up. I mean, I was going out with Marco, sort of…" I trailed off. I couldn't tell Ash Marco was gay, even if he had really pissed me off today. I had promised him I wouldn't say anything until he was ready.  
  
"What do you mean, sort of?" Ash asked.  
  
I thought quickly. "Well, we aren't going out anymore."  
  
"Ok," Ash said, accepting that answer. "So…"  
  
"I was going out with Marco, but I didn't really enjoy it like a girlfriend should. I mean, the kissing? It just wasn't doing anything for me. I just wanted to hang out like a close friend." I took a deep breath and continued. "And to be honest, Lindsey's flirting didn't bother me at all tonight. She's cute. Really cute. And she's into me. You heard her give me her phone number! But I thought I was straight, I think. I mean, I've built my whole thinking around the fact that I'm straight. But besides Marco, how many guys have I been into?"  
  
"Well, none since you moved here."  
  
"Exactly, and I never had even a little crush at my old school."  
  
"So, what does that mean? Are you gay?"  
  
I borrowed a phrase that had killed my crush on Marco a year ago. "I'm confused Ash, I'm really confused."  
  
We sat in silence for a while.   
  
"Please say something, Ash. You don't hate me, do you?"  
  
"Of course not, you blockhead!" Ash giggled. "Its just, well, it's a lot to handle."  
  
"Yeah, and think of how I feel!"  
  
"You know, there's a support group I was part of for a while, when I found out my dad was gay. It was for kids who had a gay relative. They had two other groups. One was for gay adults, and a support group for gay and questioning teens. Maybe, er, well, maybe you'd want to go? I could even go with you! Lots of people brought friends to the support group I went to, and I don't have a problem going with you! Its totally confidential!" she said, rushing her words together.  
  
"You know, Ash, that actually sounds like a good idea. You'll really go with me?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
I thought about it for a second. "Well," I hesitated, gathering up my courage, "sure, why not? I'll go. When is it?"  
  
"The next meeting would be, um, let me think. I went every Sunday, and the day before was the adults, so the day after was teens. So, the next one would be…"  
  
"Monday," I interrupted. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow after school?"  
  
"Yeah, it's not until six, so we'll do our homework together and then grab something to eat at the Dot again."  
  
"You don't have to hang with me all day."  
  
"I'll do it anyways. Just to make sure you don't lose your nerve. I remember when I went the first time; it was two weeks after I decided to go before I actually got the nerve to do it. I'll make sure you go on Monday."  
  
"Ok," I said, trying to sound confident. Inside, I was about ready to puke. "Anyways, I have to get home. But I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"  
  
"Ok El," Ash said, walking me out. "I'll see you on Monday. No chickening out!"  
  
"Bye Ash." 


	6. Support

It was a good thing Ash had decided to stick around to make sure Ellie was going to go that night. All Ellie could think about during school that day was how she could get out of going. Since she couldn't really think of a good excuse, she decided to just tell Ash she wasn't going to go. End of story.  
  
"Ellie, you are going, even if I have to drag you!" Ash said, clearly proving Ellie's theory was not going to work.  
  
"Ash, I'm just not…I can't…I'm not going!"  
  
"You're going. Its 5:30, we've finished all our homework and you're going! It'll be good for you."  
  
"So are a lot of things I don't do."  
  
"Come on, we have to walk, so we better get going now."  
  
I gave in. I knew I gave in way to easily, that I probably should have kept up the argument for a while, but I knew, in the end, I wouldn't win anyway. So I gave up.  
  
WE got there at ten to six, which was good. At least I could get a seat in the back, where no one would see me. Or so I thought. We walked in the room, and much to my dismay, the chairs were in a circle. So Ash and I just pick some, next to each other. Hey, if I was going to have to be here, I was going to hang onto Ash like she was a life ring saving me from drowning. Damn straight.   
  
A few minutes later, much to my horror, Marco walked in. He didn't see me at first, but then it happened. Our eyes met, and locked on each other. My stomach dropped into my toes, and I did the only thing that came to mind; I bolted. I dashed out of that room like it was on fire.   
  
Ash called to me, but Marco said, "I'll go." This was the last thing I wanted! Unfortunately, Marco runs way faster than I do, and he caught me.   
  
"El? Ellie? What's wrong?"  
  
"What's wrong? What's wrong?!" I started laughing. "What the hell do you think is wrong? I came here, for privacy, and you're here. I have a massive crush on Craig's cousin, Lindsey, and she's interested in me too. I like a girl Marco, and now you know it! I don't know if you've noticed, but gay guys are a thousand times more acceptable in society than lesbians! Look at TV, all the homosexuals are guys, unless the girls are bi and willing to have sex with anyone. Lesbians aren't acceptable. I can't be a lesbian, and I'm here anyway! So honestly, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS WRONG?!"  
  
"Whoa, whoa, El, slow down. What, do you think I'm going to pass judgement? You were there for me when I came out to you. You were my girlfriend for way longer than any girl should have to put up with that crap, and you're worried about what I think? Don't, that's just ridiculous," Marco told me.  
  
A single tear ran down my cheek, before I could stop it. I sunk to the floor, sitting there. "I can't do this Marco. I have to be Mum and Dad's good little straight girl, and get married to a nice, straight boy. I have to have straight children, and raise them to be good, straight Catholics. I have to make it through high school without getting beaten up every day. And I'm gay? I can't be gay."  
  
"El, if you are, you can't do anything about it. You just are. You could live a huge lie, like I've been living for a year, or you could just accept it. Now come on, just sit through the group with me. It'll be fine. I swear."  
  
And so we walked in together. Everyone there welcomed me. I recognized a few people, vaguely. They asked me to introduce myself, and I said, "I'm Ellie Nash, and I think I'm a lesbian. But I can't be, so I'm not."   
  
I got a lot of sympathetic looks. One girl told me, "I can't be a lesbian either. I can't or I'll get kicked out of my house, and forced to live on my own. I currently own my own tiny apartment, and hold down a job. I have a great girlfriend. I can't be a lesbian, but I am. And I'm happier than I ever was when I was 'straight'. My name's Judy."  
  
"I can't be gay either. I can't be gay or I'll be beaten by the jocks at my school every day. I'll be tormented, humiliated, and ostracized. I have two black eyes and a wonderful boyfriend."   
  
"I thought I couldn't be a lesbian. I was raised in a good catholic home. I was taught that everything that came out of the Pope's mouth was right, including the part about homosexuals. I was raised believing that I was less of a person. I came out, and my parents' whole outlook changed. I have a great home-life, and my friends still accept me."  
  
"I can't be gay because I'll lose all my friends," Marco said, sadly.  
  
"I'm sorry guys. I…I didn't realize," I apologized, ashamed of myself.  
  
"Don't be sorry," Judy told me. "You shouldn't be sorry. It's terrible trying to figure out who you are when everyone else just KNOWS. But even if you think you can't be gay because of society, the fact doesn't change that you very well might be gay. And you can't change that."  
  
I left that night feeling a lot better. On our way home, Ash said, "I didn't realize what gay people had to go through. Honestly, El, if you're gay, it won't matter at all to me. I swear!"  
  
"That means a lot to me, thanks, Ash." 


	7. And so it begins

I kept going to the support group every week. I don't know that it helped me figure out who I was, but I know it was a relief to find people who knew how I was feeling. After the first two weeks, I didn't even make Ash come with me anymore.   
  
I called Lindsey too. We agreed that we'd stay friends for a while, until I figured myself out. She told me, "Don't worry about figuring it out for me. I took ages to make a decision, and there's no reason you should rush yourself. I'll still be here."  
  
Craig told me Lindsey seemed a lot happier than she had ever been before. We both guessed it was the new school. She was out, and everyone knew it, and nobody hated her for it. She was in her element.  
  
And pretty soon, so was I. Three months after I started attending the support group, I said for the first time, that I was a lesbian. I am a lesbian. No doubt about it, I told everyone.   
  
Marco was so proud of me. He had come out, weeks earlier, and things in school were going pretty well for him. Spinner was being less of a jerk, and although he got some of the usual comments from the pricks at our school, nothing horrible happened. He had even told his parents, and they were cool about it.  
  
And this gave me a lot of confidence. If Lindsey and Marco could do it, then why couldn't I?   
  
That night, at dinner, I was determined to tell my parents. 


	8. To Love, or not to Love

That night, at dinner, I was so nervous. I didn't know how to start.  
  
"Mom, Dad? I have something to tell you."  
  
"Yes dear?" my mom asked me, not really paying attention.  
  
"I've been going to a support group for gay teens for a few months now. I…I'm a lesbian."  
  
"Pass the potatoes, June," my dad told my mom.  
  
"Here you go," she replied, handing them to him.  
  
I was baffled. Didn't they hear me? Were they just going to ignore what I said?  
  
"Did…Did you guys hear me?"  
  
"Ellie," my mother said, calmly, "You obviously don't know what you're talking about. You're just a teenager, how could you know this about yourself?"  
  
"You're mother's right," my dad agreed.  
  
"I know what I'm talking about," I replied, quietly. "I'm a lesbian."  
  
"You're too young to know!" my mother said, sharply.  
  
"How old were you when you started dating boys? 14? 15? You knew then that you were straight. Well, I'm 16, and I know I like girls. I'm a lesbian."  
  
"Young lady, you have no idea what you're talking about. You are to stop talking about this foolishness at once. I want to hear no more about this, understand?" my dad demanded.  
  
"May I be excused?" I asked.  
  
"Yes. And you may go up to your room as well."  
  
"Thanks, but no. I'll see you later."  
  
I waited for them to stop me. I prayed they would stop me. I wanted them to care about where I was going, but they just sat there eating, like nothing had happened. I couldn't believe them! Didn't they care for me at all?  
  
I ran out of the house, sobbing. My parents, who were supposed to love me unconditionally, had, in effect, sent me a clear message. They didn't love me. They loved their idea of who I should be, but not me. They never loved me.  
  
I didn't know where to go. I couldn't go back home, I just couldn't after storming away. My mind jumped to Lindsey. She would help me.  
  
I walked the few blocks over there, and, still sobbing, I rang her doorbell. She answered, with a smile that fell clear off her face when she saw mine. "El! What's the matter?"  
  
"I'm a lesbian."  
  
"But why is that a problem?" she asked, confused.  
  
"Because my parents can't love a lesbian," I said, crying harder.  
  
She looked at me, with a terrible look on her face. She hugged me, hard, and said, "Don't worry El, it'll be okay. I'm here, I'll always be here." She led me inside, and sat me on the couch. Her mom walked in. I loved Mrs. Appleman. Every time I came over, she had something nice to say, and she was so funny, and so caring. Right away, when she saw me, she did the motherly thing.  
  
"Ellie!" she said. "What's the matter?"  
  
I tried to tell her. But I couldn't get the words out. Lindsey explained for me. Instead of looking upset for me, she looked angry. "Ellie," Mrs. Appleman told me, sharply, "There is nothing wrong with you. You are no less loveable then you were yesterday. Don't let anyone make you think differently."  
  
I nodded, still crying softly.  
  
"Well," Mrs. Appleman said, a little brighter, trying to cheer me up. "As you'll be needing a place to crash for a day or so, why not stay here? We have plenty of room, and it's the weekend, so you don't have to worry about school. We'll make it a girls day in, how does that sound?"  
  
I nodded again, not crying anymore. It was amazing how Mrs. Appleman could make me feel better.   
  
"I'll call your parents, and let them know where you are."  
  
"They won't care," I told her bitterly.  
  
"I'll let them know anyway. Why don't you and Lindsey head up to Lindsey's room? You can have a nice talk. I'll order some pizza, and let you know when it gets here, ok?"  
  
"Great mom, thanks!" Lindsey said, taking me up to her room. 


	9. Kiss the Girl

When we got up there, Lindsey asked me, "What did they say to you?"  
  
"They told me I didn't know what I was talking about. They told me it was foolishness, and I couldn't talk about it anymore. And then, when I told them I was leaving, they didn't even try to stop me, or ask me where I was going. They just kept eating! I don't matter to them Lindsey, not if I can't be straight. With you and Marco being able to tell your parents, I just figured my parents would be okay with it too. I was so wrong!" I said, near hysterics.   
  
"El, calm down. I know, it seems terrible now, but give it a while. Maybe they just need some time."  
  
"I hope it goes down better at school."  
  
"Huh?" she gave me a small smile. "You're going to come out at school?"  
  
"Well, I think it'll be kind of obvious."  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked, completely confused.  
  
For the first time after that catastrophic dinner, I smiled. "I think it'll be pretty obvious when we walk down the hallways, holding hands, don't you?"  
  
I swear, her jaw dropped a foot. When she recovered from shock, she got a huge grin on her face. "You mean it? Really? You're ready to, you want to…" she trailed off, not able to finish her sentence.  
  
"Lindsey, do you want to go out with me?"  
  
She squealed, and I laughed at her. Lindsey never squealed, or giggled, so this was a first for her. She leaned in close to me, and, when I nodded, she kissed me.   
  
I know it's corny to describe a kiss, so I'll try to avoid that. I'll just say that I really enjoyed it. So we did it again, and her mom walked opened the door in the middle of it.  
  
"It didn't take you two long, did it?" she said, laughing. "I should have known." She hugged Lindsey and me. "And I couldn't be happier."  
  
And in that moment, I wished with all my heart that Mrs. Appleman were my mom. 


	10. Further Out

That night I hardly slept. Every time I did manage to drift off, I was plagued by nightmares.   
  
Finally, morning came. I woke up much earlier than Lindsey (probably because she actually fell asleep) so I got dressed and decided to take a walk.   
  
I ran into Marco on my walk to nowhere.   
  
"What's up El? You weren't home yesterday when I called, and your parents sounded angry with me just for mentioning your name. Did you do something horribly evil?" He grinned at me, mostly joking. He probably figured my parents couldn't be too mad at me; they never really got super angry.  
  
"Yeah, my name is the new household curse."  
  
"Come on El, really, what's up?"  
  
"I'm serious. I'm surprised they didn't shoot you for mentioning my name. Anything connected with me is dirty and unwanted."  
  
"It can't be that bad, El. Tell me what's wrong!" Marco sounded really concerned.  
  
"I told my parents. Yesterday at dinner. They told me I didn't know what I was talking about. Then, when I just left, they didn't even try to stop me. They ignored me and only the biggest thing I've ever said to them like it was not big deal."  
  
"No!" Marco gasped. "I never would have figured your parents would do that! So, if you're not at home, where are you staying? You didn't just sleep outside or something, did you?"  
  
"Nah, don't worry Marco. I stayed with Lindsey." At that statement, I blushed, and Marco noticed.  
  
"Lindsey?" he asked. "Is this the same Lindsey who is also gay who you've only been staring at all year like you want nothing more than to passionately kiss her? That Lindsey?"  
  
"Oh, the passionate kisses have already happened. Twice. You missed it."  
  
"No?! Really? That's so cool! So, what, you two are a couple now?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess so. I'm a little worried about what everyone at school will say, but I guess if I just keep telling myself that I don't care, that maybe it'll come true."  
  
"Well, my news hardly seems like a big deal then," Marco told me.  
  
"What? What's the big news?"  
  
"I'm officially dating Dylan. Looks like we'll be out to the school together."  
  
"Hey, that's great! I'm so happy for you!" I couldn't resist giving him a hug. I knew this took a lot of courage for him.   
  
"So, won't Lindsey wonder where you've gotten to?"  
  
"Nah, she won't be up for hours. She sleeps really late. Actually, I was going to head to Ash's house. I figure I'll need some moral support come Monday. Want to come?"  
  
"Nah. I've got to get to the grocery store for my mom. That's the reason I was out here to begin with. But I'll see you on Monday!"  
  
"Bye Marco!"  
  
He turned in the opposite direction, and I headed down to Ash's house. When I got there, I rang the doorbell, and the music coming from the piano stopped. A moment later, Ash opened the door.  
  
"Hey El! What's up?"  
  
"Well, to make a long long long story short, I came out to my parents yesterday, and now they hate me, so I'm staying with Lindsey. Hopefully, not for long. Anyway, I'm coming out to the school on Monday. Lindsey and I are a couple, and I won't hide that. So, I was kind of telling you in an effort to beg for moral support?"  
  
"You and Lindsey are going out!? I have to tell Craig! He'll be so excited!"  
  
"Hold up, Lindsey should probably tell Craig, not you or I."  
  
"Well, then I'll call over there and wake her up, so she can tell him! This is so exciting!"  
  
Ash called, and amazingly enough, Lindsey was actually up. Ash told her to come on over, so Craig could be told the good news, and Lindsey said she'd be over in a little bit. 


	11. Returning Home

To make a long story short, Craig was very excited for us. All of my friends were being great, which is way more than I could say for my parents.   
  
That evening, after I had eaten dinner with Lindsey, I told her I had to go home.  
  
"El, we aren't kicking you out yet. You can stay if you need to," Mrs. Appleman told me.   
  
"I'd love to stay here. But you're not my family. I need to get home to my real family. I need to find out if they still love me or not, and I can't do that here. But I'll see you later, ok?"  
  
"I'll walk you home," Lindsey said.  
  
We didn't talk at all on the way to my house. I was too nervous to say anything, and I think Lindsey just didn't know what to say to me. Much too soon, we got to my house.   
  
"Well, this is it," I said, my voice quivering.  
  
"If things don't go well, if you need something….Well, I'll be home all night," Lindsey said.  
  
"Thanks. But….well….I hope I don't see you again tonight. Nothing personal."  
  
"I get it. I'll see you tomorrow at school, okay?" She kissed me, and gave me a long hug. I headed inside, my hands shaking.  
  
"Mom," I called out. "Dad? I'm home. Er, is anyone around?" No one answered me, but I heard them talking in their bedroom. "They probably can't hear me," I thought to myself. I climbed upstairs, and knocked on their door. "Can I come in?"  
  
"Sure," my mom said. I pushed open the door. They were both sitting on the bed, a phone between them. Neither of them were smiling.  
  
"So…" I said awkwardly.   
  
"I was going to ask you if you had given up this nonsense, but I saw you outside," my dad said, barely controlling his anger. "What were you doing?" he hissed. "Any of the neighbors could have seen what you were doing! Do you want the world to know?"  
  
I bit my tongue. I wanted nothing more than to say something I would probably regret. However, I have that annoying habit of thinking before I speak. So I said nothing while he continued.   
  
"Honey," my mom said, gently. "We've made an appointment for you with a Doctor Steve (a/n: yes, he'll be making a guest appearance). I think it'll really help for you to talk to him."  
  
This didn't sound like my mom. She was accepting it?  
  
"Yes," my father said. "We think he'll fix this little, er, problem you have. And then everything will be back to normal."  
  
My hopes fell. I should have known it was too good to be true. They weren't accepting anything. They wanted to "fix" me.   
  
"The only problem I have," I said, it a very measured tone, "is that my parents don't love me anymore. Being a lesbian isn't a problem. And that's what I am." I said, seeing my dad flinch at the word.   
  
"Don't say that word, young lady. You don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"I'm a lesbian, dad. A LESBI…" My shouting was cut off by a hard crack across my face. I staggered backwards, trying to catch myself from falling over.   
  
"You will go to your room, and you will not leave it until you go to school tomorrow. If anyone asks, you fell. Got that?"  
  
"Yes sir," I said meekly. When I got to my room, I looked in the mirror. A tear headed down my cheek, but got stuck in the cut that was bleeding on my face where my dad's wedding ring had cut me. A red handprint stood out clearly.   
  
While I was attempting to clean up the cut with the tissues I had in my room, my cell phone rang. I picked it up. "Hello?" I said quietly, so no one else in my house would hear me.  
  
"El? It's Lindsey. Did everything go okay?"  
  
I looked in the mirror, at the tear that was heading down the bruise that was forming on my face. "Everything is fine," I told Lindsey. "My parents are cool."  
  
"Really?" she said, disbelieving.   
  
"Yeah. They're, uh, not really comfortable with all of it yet, but well, they're okay. I'm gonna stay here tonight, and I'll see you in the morning."  
  
"Ok, goodnight El. Love you."  
  
"Yeah," I said quietly, and hung up. I changed into my pajamas, crawled into bed, and stared at the wall all night. 


	12. Again

The next morning, the alarm clock woke me up at six. "I must have slept for a few hours," I thought to myself. I dragged myself out of bed, and looked in the mirror. I almost started crying again, but stopped myself. The cut across my face had a streak of dried blood coming from it, and the redness from yesterday had turned into an ugly purple bruise. I got ready for school, doing the best I could to hide the bruise with makeup, but I knew it was still noticeable. Then, taking a deep breath, I headed downstairs for breakfast.  
  
My mom had already left for work, so it was just my dad and I. I was just going to grab a granola bar, so I could leave quickly, but he stopped me. "Sit down with me, have some cereal," he said, smiling. "How did you sleep last night?"  
  
"Good," I lied. "It was nice to sleep in my own bed." Another lie. I would have given anything to be at Lindsey's house.   
  
"That's good," he said. But then his face turned serious. I shrank back a little, afraid of what he'd do.  
  
"You know Ellie, I only hit you because I had to. If you hadn't said that last night… Well, I only did it for your own good. You understand don't you?"  
  
"Yes dad." I finished up my cereal quickly, grabbed my book bag, and headed out the door.   
  
"Have a good day at school," he called to me.  
  
The second I closed the door, I took off running. I didn't stop running until I was a block away from the school. All I could think about was getting as far away from my dad as quickly as possible. I took a minute to catch my breath, and I walked the last block to school.   
  
Craig saw me, and called to me. "Hey El. Lindsey…" he trailed off, looking at my face.   
  
"Please don't say anything," I prayed to myself, knowing he would.  
  
"What happened to you?" he asked, really concerned.  
  
Heading inside to find Lindsey, I said to him, "I fell."  
  
"You fell?" he asked, clearly not believing me.   
  
I turned around, begging him with my eyes to drop it. "Yeah, I fell. I just fell, okay?"  
  
He gave me a long hard look. He was about to say something when Lindsey and Ash came up to me, full of concern.   
  
"She fell," Craig said. "Yesterday, when she was heading into the bathroom at night. I promised her I'd buy her a nightlight, so she's see the wall next time." Everyone laughed, and I forced out a laugh too. We turned to walk inside, and Craig said, "We'll catch you inside in a minute, I just wanted to ask El her opinion about a photograph I took."  
  
Lindsey and Ash said okay, and headed in. Craig turned to me.  
  
"Don't think I believe a word of that. You're just a bad liar, so I covered. I'll call you after school." He didn't leave any room for argument. We headed inside.  
  
Lindsey caught me, and gave me a hug. "You looked like you needed it," she told me. Craig took Ashley's hand, and Lindsey looked at me. I nodded, and we held hands, heading down the hall. I got a lot of long stares from the people in the halls. When we passed Marco, with Dylan, he looked concerned. Then he whispered something to Dylan, kissed his cheek, and walked with us.   
  
"What…" Marco started to ask.  
  
"She hit the bathroom wall last night," Lindsey said.  
  
"Always the coordinated one, weren't you El?" he said, trying to hold in laughter.  
  
"Shut up," I said. He snorted, and then turned to Lindsey. "You two look cute."   
  
"Yeah, you just want me to say how cute you look with Dylan."  
  
He blushed. "Shut up."  
  
We turned down the hall, and I told Lindsey I had to go to the bathroom. "I'll see you at lunch, okay?" She gave me a quick kiss, and they all headed to their classes, while I turned into the bathroom.   
  
I got a handful of paper towels, and got them wet with cold water. Then I pressed it to my cheek; it was hurting again. Some older girl I had seen around school walked into the bathroom, along with a couple of her friends. Turning my attention back to the mirror, I didn't even see the shove coming.  
  
She shoved me again, until she had me cornered. Her friends were backing her up.   
  
"What do you think you're doing, Lesbo?" And then, for the second time in two days, I got slapped. Then one of her friends punched me in the stomach. Pretty soon, they were all over me, kicking and punching. I didn't even defend myself, hoping they'd stop sooner if I just took it. They hissed insults and me the entire time, until the bell for class rang.   
  
"Don't think we're done with you yet," she warned me, and they all left.   
  
Then again, for the second time in two days, I looked in the mirror with tears in my eyes. They had split my lip, so that was bleeding. Other than that, you could see what else they had done. But I knew that I'd have bruises all along my sides. I tried to clean myself up, and then I headed to class.  
  
I got there right in time for the dismissal bell to ring for homeroom. I went up to Mr. Simpson, ready to apologize for being late. "My God, El. What happened?"  
  
"Our school isn't very tolerant," I replied sadly. "I'm sorry I was late. But I'm going to head to my next class, so I'm not late for that one too."  
  
I headed out, ignoring Mr. Simpson telling me to wait.   
  
The day went slowly. And then lunch. I knew Lindsey was waiting for me, but I couldn't face her. I didn't know what was wrong with me. No one had beaten her up at Degrassi. What was wrong with me, that I got picked on?  
  
Instead, I figured I'd hide in the computer lab. Unfortunately, Mr. Simpson was in there.  
  
"Ellie," he said.  
  
"Please, Mr. Simpson. Just drop it. I'm fine."  
  
"Ellie, I'm just concerned."  
  
"Mr. Simpson, they did it. It's done. Maybe now they'll leave me alone. I'm fine."  
  
"But why?"  
  
"You don't get any gossip as a teacher, do you? I'm a lesbian, and I came out today. I'm also dating Lindsey. I guess some people aren't very happy about that."  
  
"Just tell me who did it, Ellie, and I swear they'll be punished."  
  
"You can't prevent them from doing it again though. I'll be fine. And if its okay, I was hoping I could use a computer to edit a movie I'm working on."  
  
"Sure," he said. "But if you change your mind…"  
  
"I won't."  
  
After that, they day passed by in a haze. I don't think I learned a thing. On my way home, Lindsey caught up to me.  
  
"Where were you at lunch?" she called, trying to get my attention from behind.  
  
"Oh, um, I had to finish some homework I'd forgotten about. Sorry."  
  
She caught up to me, and gasped at the sight of my face. I knew my lip was getting swollen, but I didn't know it looked that bad. She gently stroked my face, and asked, "Who did this to you?"  
  
"Nobody, okay? It doesn't matter."  
  
"El, just tell me. I'll…"  
  
"You can't do anything. No one can." I pulled away from her, and ran home. I pulled open the front door, and my dad was there. He looked at my face, at the new injury, and a smirk came to his face. He turned around, without saying a word to me. I ran upstairs.   
  
I heard the phone ring a minute later, but I ignored it. Instead my dad picked it up. A minute after that, he headed upstairs, stomping.   
  
"Shit," I whimpered. "He's mad."  
  
Suddenly, my door flew open. "So, you thought it would be a good idea to make out with that slut at school? You thought you should make public this whole, this whole…" His face turned bright red. "You damn slut, you thought you could do that in public?" He grabbed my arm, and flung me into my dresser. I whimpered. "You little bitch!" he said, backhanding me. "What did you think you were doing? Are you trying to humiliate me? Don't you care about this family?" He shoved me to the floor, onto the video tapes I had made. Kicking me in the side one last time, he stormed out of the room.  
  
I just stayed there for a while, and the phone rang again. "Please God," I thought to myself, "Don't let it be someone else from school." My dad threw the door open a minute later. "Get up, quit crying. Craig's was on the phone, he wants to know if you can come over. I told him you'd be over in a few minuets. Nothings wrong with you, got it? You're just really clumsy, you understand?"  
  
I nodded, picked myself off the ground, and ran out of the house, to Craig's house. 


	13. Craig

Once I got a little ways away, I stopped running. It was only a few blocks to Craig's house, so I was there in no time. He was sitting on the front porch, and when I got there, he looked sadly at my face. I tried to hide it behind my hair, but I knew he had seen it. And I knew it looked worse. In fact, I wasn't even sure how bad it looked, because I ran out of the house too quickly to look.   
  
"Come on, El. Let's go for a walk," Craig said.   
  
We headed down the street and walked for a while until we got to the Community Park. It was pretty empty because it was getting colder outside.   
  
"Craig, I know what you're thinking," I said quickly, before he even started to talk. "But that's not how it is! I'm just clumsy, that's all." I lifted my head and looked at him. He wasn't buying a word. "Please don't tell anyone," I whispered, pleading with my eyes.  
  
"El, it's not right."  
  
"I'm not like you Craig. I don't have a step dad who'd take me in. I don't even have any other relatives. I have a mom and a dad. That's it. I couldn't stay in this town, at this school. I'd lose all my friends. I'd lose Lindsey."  
  
"El, we could figure something out. It would be okay."  
  
"NO!" I shouted. "Craig, I know that you're trying to help, but I'll be okay. I'm sure he'll get over it, and then it'll stop."  
  
Craig reached up to touch the side of my face, where it was bruised. I flinched at the movement.  
  
"El, I can't even touch you without you being afraid."  
  
"Craig, just because everything worked out for you, doesn't mean it'll be the same for me. Life isn't always happy bunnies and sunshine, and everything doesn't always work out in the end."  
  
"I can't just watch it happen."  
  
"Yes you can. If you care about me at all, you'll leave well enough alone. Please?"  
  
"El," he said, with resignation in his voice. He paused. "Ok. But, but you have to tell me. How bad is home?"  
  
"My mother watches it happen. If anything, him hitting me doesn't hurt as much as that does. Yesterday, when he hit me, she just sat there and watched. And today, when he got some stupid phone call from some jerk at school, he came storming up. My whole body hurts. He's so big, he can just throw me around like a rag doll. But it's not his fault. I…I know my parents. I shouldn't have…It's my fault, and I know it is. I didn't even need him to tell me that."  
  
"El, it's not your fault. My God, not parent should beat their child."  
  
"He doesn't beat me. He just…"  
  
"El, he beats you. He pushes you around and then he hits you. He's beating you."  
  
"You make it sound so bad," I said, with tears in my eyes. "He's doing it because he loves me."  
  
"HE'S DOING IT BECAUSE HE'S A BASTARD!"  
  
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FATHER THAT WAY! HE LOVES ME, AND I LOVE HIM TOO! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND? HE'S MY FATHER!" I cried even harder. "He's my father," I cried softly, sinking to the ground. Craig sat down on the ground with me, putting his arms around me.   
  
"Shhhh," he said. "It'll be okay. Don't cry. It'll be okay." We sat there for a while, me crying, and him comforting me. All of a sudden, it occurred to me. I looked at my watch.  
  
"Shit! Oh God, it's 6:10. Craig! It's 6:10!" I took off running. Craig, jumped up, and ran after me.   
  
"What? What's the matter?"  
  
"Dinner's at six! Six o'clock Craig! And not a second later! Oh God, he's going to kill me!"  
  
"El, just come home with me. You can talk to Joey, he'll help."  
  
I got to my house, ignoring Craig, and ran inside, dreading what would happen. 


	14. Late

They were both already sitting, and already eating. My father glanced at me. "You can go upstairs," he said. "I'll deal with you when I'm finished with dinner."  
  
"Mark," my mom said to my dad, in a pleading tone. "Couldn't she…"  
  
"No," he interrupted. "I'll be up in a little while."  
  
I slowly headed upstairs. I tried to start my homework up in my room, but I couldn't concentrate. All too soon, I heard my father's footsteps.   
  
He opened the door. "What were you doing?"  
  
"I was, just, I was just walking with Craig."  
  
"You know dinner is at six o'clock."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"So you deliberately broke a rule?"  
  
"No! I just lost track of time, I swear."  
  
"I don't think so. I think you did it on purpose." He took a step closer. "Just like you became a lesbian. Everything you so is ON PURPOSE!" With the last two words, he hit me. Then he grabbed my arm, and jerked me up. "You just," he said, hitting me with every word, "don't respect anyone! You don't care!"  
  
"No, Dad, it's not like that. I swear, its not."  
  
"You're making me do this, you know," he said, shoving me to the ground. He picked up a handful of the tapes I had put on my dresser. A moment later, they rained down on my head. One caught me hard in the temple, and I saw stars. "I love you, and this is what you do to me!" He kicked me hard in the head. "Damn you! You're making me do this to you!" He gave me one final kick in the head, and I don't remember anything else.   
  
I woke up the next morning, still on the floor. My back hurt, and my neck was stiff. It was 5 o'clock in the morning. The blood from the cut on my temple had flowed into my hair, making it sticky. I could taste blood on my lips. Quickly, I grabbed a change of clothes, and headed into my bathroom to take a shower before school. 


	15. Fooling everyone

I left for school really early; at six o'clock. I wanted to make sure no one from my house (especially my dad) would have to talk to me. Once I got there, I sat at one of the tables in the front, and put my head down. Even though I had been out all night, I felt exhausted. Without even realizing it, I fell asleep. Next thing I know, Lindsey's shaking me awake. "El? El? Wake up. Didn't sleep much last night, huh?"  
  
I picked my head up, and smiled at her. But the smile she had on her face disappeared, and her hand went to the cut on my temple. "Not the bathroom again?"   
  
"Uh, yeah," I said, lying badly because I was still tired.   
  
Lindsey hugged me. It was then I realized that she thought kids were picking on me, not my parents. I could use this to my advantage!   
  
We sat there for a while, with her hugging me. It felt nice, being hugged. Too soon, Ash and Craig interrupted. Craig had a shocked look on his face, and Ash looked upset.   
  
"Damn intolerant school," Lindsey said, as an explanation. Craig gave me a dirty look, probably because he thought that's what I told her.   
  
"You should go to Mr. Raditch about this!" Ash said.  
  
"No, I'm just going to pretend it didn't happen, and hope that they quit it."  
  
"They won't," Craig muttered.  
  
"Why do you say that?" Ash asked, hearing him.  
  
"I don't know," he said, trying to cover. "I guess just because this school is so intolerant."  
  
The bell rang just then, and so we all headed back inside, with Craig glaring at me occasionally behind Ash's back. 


	16. The Dinosaur

I didn't make the mistake of going into the bathroom again that day. I stayed as much around people as I possibly could. I even spent the lunch period with Lindsey, although I know I kept looking over my shoulder to make sure those senior girls weren't hanging around. But what I really worked hard at was trying to seem happy. And I was, kind of. I mean, I had Lindsey! I loved her, I loved being with her. That made me happier than anything. But I was afraid of my school, and afraid of my home. Between the two places, I didn't really feel safe anywhere. And believe me, it's a lot of stress to be terrified.   
  
By the time the day was over, I was almost looking forward to getting home. Well, almost anyway. But I lucked out, because even though Ash and Lindsey were busy with a project for school, Craig wasn't busy, so he invited me over.   
  
We got in his house, and headed into his living room. Angela headed into the room, and sat on my lap. I loved the kid, but all of a sudden, I felt trapped. The little girl looked up at my face, gently stroked it with her little fingers, and asked me if the same dinosaur had hurt me that had hurt Craig before.   
  
"No, it was a different dinosaur," I told her. "A big, mean, evil, scary dinosaur. He doesn't like me being friends with Lindsey."  
  
"But I like Lindsey. She's nice. Will the dinosaur hurt me too?" Angela asked, fear creeping into her voice.  
  
"Of course not. You have Craig to protect you! And your Daddy too."  
  
"But whose going to protect you? Your Daddy?" she suggested.  
  
"No," I said sadly. "My Daddy likes the dinosaur."  
  
"Craig's Daddy used to like his dinosaur too. But he told me that it wasn't really a dinosaur hurting him. He said it was his Daddy."  
  
"Craig was very brave to tell you that, Ang."  
  
"My Daddy doesn't like dinosaurs."  
  
"No, I don't imagine he would."  
  
"But if you're Daddy likes dinosaurs, and Craig's Daddy liked dinosaurs, but then turned out to be the dinosaur," Angela said, getting a little mixed up. "Wouldn't your Daddy be the dinosaur? You should come live with me, if he is. My Daddy will protect you like he protected Craig."  
  
A tear ran down my cheek. Angela wiped it away.   
  
"Aww, don't cry Ellie. There aren't any dinosaurs here."  
  
"Hey Ang, why don't you head upstairs, and clean your room. Maybe later tonight we'll play a game, okay?"  
  
"Ok. But only if you promise to play a game with me. Ellie, will you play too?"  
  
"I have to be home for dinner on time. But maybe another day, okay?"  
  
"Ok. And remember what I said about the dinosaur."  
  
"Thanks Ang."  
  
Once Craig heard Angela's door close, he hugged me. "You know, El…" he began.  
  
"I know, I know. A little kid gets it, so why can't I. Is that what you were going to say?"  
  
"Nah. I was going to tell you that Ang's escape plan is always open. Joey may not take you on forever, but he will for a while, until you find something else."  
  
"I can't do that." I checked the clock on the wall. 5:45. "I have to get home for dinner or…"  
  
Craig cut me off. "Or the dinosaur will hurt you again. I know. I'll walk you back."  
  
We headed back to my house. When we got there, Craig told me, "If things get…well, if things get bad, you can come to my house at any hour. No questions asked, I swear. The offer's always open Ok?"  
  
"Thanks. I'd better get in." I turned around, and headed inside. I headed into the kitchen, and noticed right away that my parents were cleaning up dinner, not setting it out. Then my dad noticed me.  
  
"We decided we'd start eating earlier, so you missed dinner. From now on, you're to be home by five o'clock. You can go upstairs now, and start your homework," he said, matter-of-factly.  
  
"But…"  
  
"Don't talk back. Go upstairs."  
  
"Yes sir." Slowly I headed upstairs. Then I turned around. "I have some questions about my math homework. Would it be alright if I called Craig for help?"  
  
"Just Craig, right?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Alright. Just don't be up too late."  
  
I turned around, and headed upstairs again. Once in my room, I pulled out my math book and notebook. I started problem 16, where I had left off in class. The assignment was pitifully easy; I was good at math. But I picked up the phone and called Craig anyway.  
  
"Hello?" Craig answered.  
  
"Hi Craig. It's El. I, er, I need some help with my, um, math homework."  
  
"Is anyone else there helping you?" he asked.  
  
"No, my dad's downstairs."  
  
"What's the problem?"  
  
"I'm hungry."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I was late for dinner."  
  
"No you weren't. You were home at five to six. Plenty of time for dinner."  
  
"Not if dinner's at five o'clock."  
  
"He pushed up the time?"  
  
"Yeah. I haven't eaten since, um, well, since breakfast yesterday. I missed dinner yesterday, and skipped breakfast and lunch today. I didn't figure on missing dinner."  
  
"Want to come over? We could feed you," Craig offered.  
  
I heard the click of someone at my house picking up the phone. "Um, I'm really not understanding these problems."  
  
Craig picked up on the hint. "They're hard to explain over the phone. Could you come over to work on them?"  
  
"I don't know, let me go ask my dad." I set down the phone, and headed downstairs.  
  
"Dad? I'm having trouble with my math still, and Craig's having a hard time explaining it over the phone. Could I go over there for an hour or so?"  
  
"One hour, no more. Be home by 8 o'clock."  
  
I ran upstairs, and told Craig. I packed up my math stuff, and headed over there. 


	17. Bad Decisons

When I got there, Craig had already laid out some food for me, and his math homework.   
  
"Eat and copy at the same time. I know if you go home without the homework done, he'll know. You're dad's mean, not stupid."  
  
"Isn't Joey home?"  
  
"He's out with some friends. I'm babysitting. I warn you, as soon as Ang realizes that you're here, she'll be down. She likes you, El."  
  
"Well I like the little squirt too."  
  
"Hey!" a voice protested. Angela was coming down the stairs. "I'm not a squirt."  
  
"Sure you are, Squirt. Come help me with my homework."  
  
Angela dashed over to me and sprang into my lap, hitting my side.   
  
"Ow!" I cried in pain. I had scrapes and bruises there from falling on my tapes earlier.   
  
"What is it El?" Craig asked, concerned.  
  
"Nothing," I said quickly, looking back at the math. But even Angela could see through my flimsy excuse. She pulled up the side of my shirt a little, and put her hand gently on the bruises, and looked up at my face.  
  
"The dinosaur?" she asked, sadly.  
  
"Yeah." Nobody spoke for a few minutes. "So, Ang. Gonna help me out with this math?"  
  
"Yeah! I know how to add and subtract!"  
  
"Well, that's perfect, because I need some help with subtracting." Ang started picking out random numbers from the page, and subtracting them. It probably took me longer to copy the homework, because I had to listen to her, but that was fine by me. Craig kept feeding me too. Pretty soon, I was stuffed, the homework was done, and it was quarter to eight.   
  
"I gotta get going."  
  
"You can't walk home alone though, and I can't go with Ang."  
  
"I got here okay, didn't I? I'll be fine getting home." I packed up my stuff, and headed out, thanking Craig and then Ang for all the help with my homework.   
  
It was only a few blocks to my house, but I soon wished I had thought of some way to not walk home alone. Those senior girls, who had attacked me in the bathroom earlier, were outside. Once they saw me, I knew it was too late to get away. I did the best job I could of pretending to be confident, but as soon as they headed my way (running, might I add) I ran as fast as I could for home. I was right outside my house when they caught me.  
  
I was almost sorry I had run. It was 10 times worse than when I had been cornered in the bathroom. Even worse, my father was watching from his bedroom window, smiling. I thought it would continue forever, but Emma's mom came outside, with a phone in her hands threatening to call the police. She looked like she was screaming, but I couldn't really hear her. I just kept staring at the window. As soon as Emma's mom had come outside, my dad disappeared. Pretty soon, Emma followed her mom out. She was holding a towel, and she pressed it up to my side. I hadn't realized it, but one of the girls had a knife. She hadn't really done any terrible damage, but I was bleeding pretty good.   
  
"Come on hon," Emma's mom said softly. "Come one inside with me for a minute. I'll get you cleaned up, and we'll talk." She gently helped me stand up, held on to me while I got my bearings. Then I realized it was probably way past eight.  
  
"Um, no. That's okay. My house is just right there, and I should be getting home. I'll be fine, honest." I looked at her with pleading eyes.  
  
"Ok. But I'll have Emma walk you to your door, just to be safe."  
  
I agreed, and Emma and I walked slowly to my door. It was locked, and I didn't have my key, so I rang the bell. My dad opened the door.  
  
Emma tried to explain what had happened, but my dad cut her off. "I saw what happened. Ellie will be fine. Thank you." He then pulled me inside, and shut the door behind him. He shoved me up the stairs. I didn't think I could hurt any worse, but I was wrong. I couldn't really keep my balance, because my head hurt so badly, and on the first shove, my eye hit the railing. I started tearing up immediately.   
  
"Poor baby," my dad said, sarcastically. "Move it!"  
  
I moved it. But I wasn't fast enough.   
  
"You're getting what you deserve, you know that?" he asked, hitting me. He shoved me into my room. "Exactly what you deserve!" He picked up one of my tapes, and started smacking me with that. I was seeing stars, and I soon sunk to the ground.   
  
"Why are you making me do this?" he asked, upset. Then he threw the tape, as hard as he could, at my head. It hit the back of my head, because I turned away from it, but it hit hard. I cried out, and my dad turned around. He had been about to leave me room! He glared at me, said simply, "Its what you deserve." Then he left.   
  
I realized that Emma had left the towel pressed to my side. It wasn't very bloody, so I wrapped it around my head like a turban, to absorb some of the bleeding. So exhausted, and barely able to move, I collapsed into my bed, and fell asleep. 


	18. Shedding Blood

The next morning I couldn't get myself out of bed. I was just so tired that I couldn't move. Pretty soon, when I wasn't downstairs at my usual time, my dad came up to my room. He looked at the bloody towel on the floor, and then at me.   
  
"You don't have to go to school today, if you aren't feeling well," he said kindly. I was confused. Why was he being so nice?   
  
"Then I'll stay home," I said weakly.   
  
He carried me downstairs, and laid me on the couch. That's where any sick Nash slept during the day. He set me up with a glass of water, and some hot soup in a thermos, to keep it hot. "If you need anything," he said to me, "Call me at work, ok?"   
  
"Ok Daddy," I responded, knowing nothing in hell could convince me to call him.  
  
"Your mother and I have tickets to see a concert tonight. But I'll skip it if you want."  
  
"No, you guys go and have fun. I'll be okay."  
  
"Ok sweetie, we'll be home around 9. Feel better." With that, he left for work, and I was home alone. I took a sip of water to wet my parched throat, and sank into a dreamless sleep.   
  
A doorbell drew me out of my sleep. I checked the clock: 3:45. "I bet its one of my friends," I thought to myself. Not even bothering to sit up, I called, "Come on in." Sure enough, it was Craig.   
  
"Ash and Lindsey are outside. Is it okay to bring them in?" he asked, knowing if my father were home that it would not be.  
  
"Yeah. My dad'll be gone for a while. They can come in."   
  
A moment later, they came inside. Lindsey started fussing over me right away.  
  
"I missed you so much today." She headed over to my pillow to fix it, helping me to sit up. Then she gasped. I turned my head, to see what was the matter, and then realized what she saw; the pillow, usually white, was dark red with blood.   
  
"My God, Ash, what happened?" she asked. Ash's jaw dropped, and Craig just stared at me, disbelieving. I knew what he was thinking, "Why did I let her go home?" The guilt showed on his face.  
  
"It was, it was, those stupid senior girls again," I said, not completely lying.   
  
Lindsey helped me sit up more, so she could change the pillow Ash was getting, and then her eyes fell on the blanket. That was bloody too, from my side.  
  
"What the Hell happened to you?" Lindsey demanded, her eyes filling with tears.   
  
"I told you," I insisted. "It was those senior girls."  
  
"Only if they looked like your dad," Craig muttered under his breath. But I heard him, and so did everyone else.   
  
"Craig, what are you talking about?" Ash asked him. "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"Damn it Craig! You promised me!" I shouted, weakly. "You promised." My voice got softer. I was so tired, even yelling took too much energy.  
  
"Promised what? What are you talking about? What did he promise?" Lindsey said, getting hysterical. Then it dawned on her. "Whose really been hurting you?"  
  
"Nobody!" I yelled. After that, though, I got really dizzy, and fell back hard onto the arm of the couch. I was getting lightheaded. It was getting harder to breathe too.   
  
"Call an ambulance!" Lindsey shouted at Ash and Craig, trying to get me to sit up again.   
  
"No," I whispered. "He'll get mad."  
  
"El, you need a doctor. Nobody will get mad."  
  
"You don't understand. He'll…"I trailed off. I just wanted to sleep.  
  
"Stay awake!" Ash demanded, on the phone. "The operator said to make sure she stays awake," she said to Craig.  
  
"Who's going to get mad at you?" Lindsey asked me. "Tell me!" she demanded.  
  
"Ask Craig."  
  
"I don't want to ask Craig," she said, her eyes full of concern. "I want you to tell me. Please El."  
  
I closed my eyes, wanting this to be over. I was so tired.   
  
"No! Stay awake!" Lindsey insisted. "Who did this to you? Honestly!"  
  
I paused for a minute. It would be so easy to tell her the truth. Craig did it, why couldn't I? And then, even though I hated myself for it, I responded, insisting "Nobody. Nobody's been hurting me."  
  
In the distance I could hear sirens. They were so close, but I was so tired.   
  
"They're almost here, El. Please, stay awake. Please El," Lindsey begged.  
  
I knew I had to stay awake. Even that my life might depend on it. But I couldn't help it anymore. Insisting once again, "Nobody did this. Nobody!" to Lindsey, I slipped into unconsciousness 


	19. Checking Out

I woke up in a hospital room, disappointed that I had woken up at all. The second I opened my eyes, my mom and dad were at my bedside.   
  
"Are you alright?" my father asked me, feigning concern. "Who did this to you?"  
  
I wondered to myself why he would ask such a stupid question, when I realized that there was a doctor in the room, listening to every word. Then I looked at my dad again, his eyes hard. I knew what I had to answer.   
  
"I don't know. Some girls at school, who hate me for being a lesbian." I knew that my dad hated me saying that I was a lesbian, but he couldn't do anything about it. Even if I couldn't tell that my dad hurt me, I could make little digs at my dad.   
  
Just then, the doctor who had been listening stepped up to my bed. "I'm Doctor Steve, a psychologist here. Your parents had called me earlier about maybe setting up an appointment."  
  
"Yeah, they told me," I said bitterly, thinking he'd just try to "fix" me.  
  
"You sound upset, any reason?"  
  
"I'm happy being a lesbian, I'm just not happy being abu-er- beat up for it." I was just about to say abused, but I thought better of it.   
  
"Of course you're not," he said, and then turned to my parents. "Why don't you both grab a sandwich and have an hour lunch? Ellie and I will have a nice chat."  
  
My parents nodded, and my dad came over to the side of my bed. Pretending to kiss me goodbye, he said, "Don't tell him anything about…you know." Then he straightened up, smiled, and left with my mother.   
  
Once the door had closed, Doctor Steve asked me, "So, you're a lesbian?"  
  
Getting defensive right away, I replied, "Yeah. So?"  
  
"Nothing," he said mildly. "Just asking."  
  
"Well, you can't change that. There's nothing wrong with me."  
  
"Actually there is. You have a large hole in your head and your side. I know the hole in your side came from a knife, but I'm baffled as to how you got that head wound. It's by far the worst of your injuries. Much worse than anything else, in fact. But other than that, a few bruises, and cuts, you're right."  
  
"Huh?" was the only response I could manage.  
  
"Well, what did you think I'd say?"  
  
"I thought you were going to 'fix' me. You know, cure me of being a lesbian."  
  
"Is that what you want me to do?"  
  
"Well, no! Not at all. I'm fine with being a lesbian. Its just other people aren't."  
  
"Who? The kids who go to your school?"  
  
"Well, them, yeah. And…" I trailed off, not sure if I could say that.  
  
"Your parents?" he asked, gently.  
  
"Yeah," I responded sadly. "They don't really think it's right. Or normal, or something."  
  
"That must be hard for you."  
  
"Nah, there are worse things happening in my life," I said, thinking of the beating that would await me when I got home from the hospital.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing. But, um, I mean, there's so much suffering in the world. I could have it worse."  
  
"You could. But that doesn't make this right either."  
  
"No, I know that. But I figure my parents will come around eventually, and the kids at school need a chance to get used to the new me." Doctor Steve looked at me in surprise at this statement. "Sorry, Doctor, I guess I'm just a hopeless optimist."  
  
"There's nothing wrong with that! It's great! In fact, I don't think you really need to see me at all, unless you want to."  
  
"Nah," I said, knowing that it wouldn't help anything even if I did. I could never tell him anything.   
  
"Well, I kicked your parents out for an hour, and you have a whole bunch of friends waiting to hear how you're doing. Want me to send them in?"  
  
"Yeah!" I said, really excited.  
  
He left the room, after giving me his card and telling me I could call if I needed too. A few moments later, my friends entered the room: Marco, Ash, Craig, and Lindsey, of course.  
  
"Hey guys!"  
  
"El!" Lindsey cried. "You look pretty good!"  
  
"Thanks, you don't look to bad yourself." Since my parents weren't around, I pulled her in for a kiss. It got a little, um, intense, I guess, because Marco, Ash, and Craig all cried, "Ewww." So we pulled away.  
  
"Sorry guys. We got a little carried away," Lindsey said.  
  
"So, how are you feeling?" Marco asked.   
  
"Not bad, all in all."  
  
"How are your parents doing?" Craig asked, his voice full of bitterness.  
  
"They're doing fine, thank you," I said with a bit of an edge in my voice.  
  
"Um, guys? Take it down a notch, okay? What's the problem?" Ash asked me.  
  
"Ask El," Craig responded.  
  
"Nothing's the matter. Except I have a hole in my head."  
  
"Yes, I noticed that before. How did that happen?" Lindsey asked, suspiciously.   
  
"What's the matter with all of you?" I cried, getting defensive, really quickly. "Can't you just come here without giving me the third degree? Just forget it, okay? You can all just leave!" I was yelling by then.   
  
"El, relax. No one's interrogating you. We're just concerned."  
  
"Well, I'm sick of you all being concerned. I'm fine, okay?" I heard my dad's voice coming from a ways down the hallway. I panicked; Lindsey couldn't be here! Craig must have seen the panic on my face, but he didn't do anything. I think what he wanted was a confrontation right there, so I couldn't deny what was happening anymore. He didn't realize that my dad could easily control himself in public.  
  
"Oh, hi guys," he said, not even looking upset at the fact that Lindsey was in there. "Nice of you all to stop by, but El should really be resting now. She can actually go home tomorrow, so you can maybe see her then, okay?"  
  
Craig looked confused, and then his eyes opened really wide. He had finally realized what he had done, by not getting Lindsey out of the room. It would be bad when I went home tomorrow, and he knew it. As quickly as that expression came to his face, he masked it. At least he knew that if my dad knew that Craig knew, I was as good as dead.  
  
The left the room, and my dad closed the door behind them. "What was that girl doing here?" he hissed under his breath.  
  
"You mean Lindsey?" I asked, with no regard for my safety. "She came here to see how I was doing." I knew what my dad would ask next.  
  
"You two, you didn't DO anything, did you?" he said, with disgust on his face.  
  
I took a deep breath, and told him, "Yes, in fact we shared a lovely kiss. I liked it. I'd do it again too, if I had the chance."  
  
In almost an instant, his face turned bright red. If it had been a cartoon, smoke would have come pouring out of his ears. "Wait until you get home, young lady."  
  
"I'm so excited." I couldn't believe what I was saying. Didn't I care at all for my safety? Then I realized; no, I didn't. I just wanted everything to be over.  
  
A moment later, speechless, my father stormed out of the room. I turned onto my uninjured side and feel asleep.  
  
The next morning, Saturday, once I had been checked out of the hospital, my parents took me home. Before leaving for work, my father promised me I'd be punished for my disgusting behavior. Then they both left.   
  
Before I could change my mind, I called Craig, and asked him if the dinosaur offer was still open. 


	20. Getting Help

Craig came by only a few minutes later to pick me up. I was still so sore that I couldn't really walk, so he helped me into the wheelchair the hospital had issued me, and got me to the front door. To my surprise, and delight, Angela was waiting for us there.   
  
"Craig said we're rescuing you!" she cried excitedly. "And that I can go for a ride on your lap, if it's okay with you. Is it? Pretty please?"  
  
"Of course," I said, smiling.  
  
"Hop on Ang," Craig told her. "I'm pushing this thing home."  
  
Angela hopped on to my lap. As Craig started pushing us to his house, Angela asked me, "Did the dinosaur do this to you?"  
  
I paused for a minute. "No, Angela." Craig looked at me, surprised. Then I said, "No dinosaur did this. My Daddy did, and my Mommy let it happen. That's why I can't stay at home." A tear ran down my cheek, and Angela brushed it away with her fingers. Then she snuggled into my lap, and said, "It'll be okay. Craig and my Daddy will protect you now. Your Daddy and that dinosaur won't hurt you again."  
  
We got there just as Joey was getting home from work. He looked at me, shocked, and couldn't speak for a minute. Craig didn't seem to know what to say either. So Angela spoke for all of us. "Daddy, a dinosaur hurt Ellie. Can she live with us too, just like Craig?"  
  
Dead silence followed that statement. Angela looked at her dad, pleading with her eyes, and I looked down at my lap, ashamed that I even had to be there. A moment later, Joey said to Angela, "Sweetie, we're going to have to talk about this. Why don't you go upstairs and clean your room. Its been needing it for weeks anyway."  
  
"Daddy!" she whined, obeying him despite her protesting. Once Angela had made it inside, Craig and Joey got my wheelchair and me inside their house, and into the kitchen. He and Craig both sat down, and he looked me in the eyes.  
  
"Who did this to you?" he asked, demanding not unkindly.   
  
I fidgeted with a string in my hands I had pulled off my shirt. I didn't meet his eyes. This was so humiliating! My father hated me enough to beat me, because of something I did, and everyone just expected me to not care.   
  
"Ellie?" Craig called me back to reality.   
  
"My Dad," I whispered, so softly, I could barely hear me.  
  
At that statement, Joey became angry. You could see his face getting redder and redder. All of a sudden, he stood up quickly. I whimpered and backed away. The anger in his face disappeared immediately. "Ellie, I'm not going to hurt you, I swear. I'm just so angry with your dad. I know him! I thought he was a great guy! He bought a car from me! It makes me so angry that he could do something to someone as obviously great as you are."  
  
I still stayed a little back of Joey, afraid of the anger I knew he could have.  
  
"Look what he did to you!" Joey cried out suddenly. "You can't even be around someone angry without fear immediately coming into your face."  
  
"Please," I whispered. "I'm so tired. Could, could I just sleep?"  
  
"Sure," Joey said kindly. "Craig, why don't you set her up with the pull out bed in your room?"  
  
"What…" I trailed off, a little nervous. "What if my dad calls or shows up?"  
  
"I've never seen you before. Craig's been here all day, and Angela won't get near the phone. I swear. Sleep first, then we'll figure something out."  
  
I nodded, and then went to Craig's room to sleep. I was out the second my head hit the pillow.   
  
A few hours later, I awoke to Joey knocking on the door. "Ellie?" he said quietly. "Are you awake?"  
  
"Yeah," I said, rubbing my eyes a little. "What's up?"  
  
"We need to talk. About what you want to do now. It's only a matter of time before your dad gets home and wants to know where you are. I either have to return you back home, which I can't do, knowing what I know. Or I can hide you, and possibly get arrested for kidnapping. Or," he paused for a minute, then continued, "or you can go to Children's Aide. They'll put you in foster care."  
  
I didn't know what to do. I knew that getting Joey arrested was out of the question, and that the first option should be too. But a part of me, a very loud part, was screaming, "Go home! You belong there, and you deserve it!"   
  
In the middle of my inner debate, Craig walked in the room. "Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Hey Joey, mind if I talk to her, alone? Just for a few minutes."  
  
"Sure," Joey said, leaving the room.  
  
"El? I know what you're thinking. You want to go home, don't you?"  
  
I nodded, a little ashamed.  
  
"I know. I felt the same way. Get out of the house for a few hours, and nothing seems as bad as it did when you were actually there. But the second you get back, its going to be just as bad. As you won't always be as brave as you were today. And I also know you're thinking you deserve it, aren't you?"  
  
"Well, don't I?" I demanded. "Didn't I go against everything my parents have taught me to become a lesbian?"  
  
"You didn't choose to become a lesbian. And even if you did, and even if the choice was purely to spite your parents, nobody should ever hit you. Your father can't control his temper, and you shouldn't suffer for that. It isn't your problem, it's his." He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I know it's hard. I know how much easier it would be to just give up, and go back. But El, you don't deserve to be hurt."  
  
I started crying. It was so hard, but I knew what I had to do. "Could I use your phone?" I asked.  
  
Craig looked alarmed. "Who are you going to call?"  
  
"Children's Aide. Do you have their number?"  
  
Joey walked in the room, phone and phone book in hand. "I was hoping you'd decide this."  
  
Hands shaking, I dialed the phone number.   
  
"Children's Aide. How may I help you?"  
  
"Uh, hello. My name's Ellie Nash. I…I…my Dad's been beating me. Can you help me?"  
  
"Where are you now?" the voice said, slightly panicked.  
  
"At a friends house. My parents don't know I'm here." I gave her Craig's address. "Can you help me?"  
  
"We'll send someone over there, and a police officer. Whatever you do, don't go home with either one of your parents, okay?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Hey, don't sound so scared. You did the right thing."  
  
"Did I?"  
  
"Of course. Hey, I never introduced myself. My name's Kelly. You know why I work for children's aide?"  
  
"No. Why?"  
  
"I know how it feels to be in your shoes. But hey, if you need anymore help, you just call here, and ask for me. Okay? I'll always talk."  
  
"Thanks. Bye."  
  
I turned around to face Craig and Joey. "They're sending someone over. I did it. I actually did it." Then I burst into tears again. "I betrayed my own father."  
  
"He betrayed you. I know El, you still love him. I always loved my dad too. But you don't deserve what he's doing to you. He betrayed you, and you're protecting yourself. Don't ever believe otherwise," Craig told me.   
  
Just then the doorbell rang. Craig went downstairs to answer it, taking my wheelchair with him. Joey started the long painstaking process of getting me downstairs. I was still pretty dizzy, and everything in my body hurt. By the time I got downstairs, Craig and a women he seemed to know and a police officer were already seated in the living room. Both the woman and the cop stared horrified at me. 


	21. Leaving

"You should see the other guy," I joked weakly. This was sort of awkward. They were staring at me like I'd grown another head. Then, finally, someone spoke.  
  
"This is Lisa. She's the social worker I had after my dad died and I wanted to be placed with Joey," Craig said.  
  
"Did she know…know he was…" I trailed off. I didn't think Craig had told anyone before that his father had been beating him.  
  
"No, I did not," she said, upset. "And if I had, you can bet his father never would have seen him again. But that's beside the point. You're Ellie, huh?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Why don't you tell me what's been happening."  
  
"I…uh…" I had been completely willing to do this only a half-hour ago, but now that the time had actually come, this was really hard. "He…"  
  
"Ok, here. Let me try to make this easier on you. Who is doing this to you?"  
  
"My father."  
  
"And what exactly is he doing to you?"  
  
I looked at Craig for help. I didn't want to have to do this. But he looked back at me sadly and shook his head no. I was on my own for this one.  
  
"He hits me. He pushes me around, he hit me, and he throws stuff at me."  
  
"Then where'd you get the cut in your side?" Craig interrupted.  
  
"Some of the girls at school who don't like lesbians. My dad, however, watched them do it. He's responsible for the hole in my head."  
  
"The hole in your head?" Lisa asked.  
  
I turned around, and showed her by pushing my hair out of the way. She gasped. "Didn't he get you stitches or something?"  
  
"I don't know. I was in the hospital, because I had almost bled to death. But I don't know why they wouldn't have given me stitches."  
  
"Ellie, I know this has been really hard for you. But I've got one last question about the abuse before we get on another subject. I want to know why. Why would he do this to you? Is he just evil? Did he think he had some sort of reason?"  
  
"I'm a lesbian."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So, he doesn't like that. I'm going to hell for it, he said. And he had to try to fix me."  
  
"Ellie, there's nothing wrong with you."  
  
"That's what you think," I mumbled, but she didn't hear me. She moved on to something else.  
  
"We have to get you a place to stay. I know Joey offered to let you stay here for a while longer, but we just can't do that. We're going to have to take you to a group home. Now I know you've probably heard really terrible things about group homes, but trust me, this on is different. I'm going to put you in the gay and lesbian group home. We created it because we got a lot of homosexual beating in the other ones. No one there will hurt you. Plus, it's in the area. Assuming you took the bus, you could still go to Degrassi."  
  
"But I wanted…"  
  
"I know. I know what you wanted. But we have to keep you safe."  
  
"Fine. It doesn't look like I have much of a choice."  
  
"I've got a car outside. I'll wait in there for you. The cop is going to take what you said, and pay a visit to the district attorney. And maybe after that, your father."  
  
She gave Craig a hug, and headed out the door.   
  
Angela came downstairs. "Are you leaving?" she asked me.  
  
"Yeah, but I'll see you again."  
  
"Ok," she said, hugging me. Then she kissed my cheek, and went upstairs. Joey hugged me too, and followed Angela.  
  
Craig just stared at me. "I'm so sorry El. I didn't know they'd make you leave. I had no idea that they'd…"   
  
I interrupted him. "Tell Lindsey, Marco, and Ash what's happening so they don't worry. And you don't worry either. I'll be fine, and I'll see you at school on Monday."  
  
Craig hugged me, and I heard him crying. "Come on, don't cry. Everything's fine. Now, help me outside."  
  
He got me outside, and into the car. As we drove away, he stood there, in the street, crying. I turned away, crying also. Lisa drove on without saying a word. 


	22. Stephanie

When we got there, Lisa got out of the car, but I didn't move. Not that I could have even if I wanted to, not with that damn wheelchair. I knew I needed it, but it really was a pain.   
  
Lisa came around the front to my side of the car. Once she had gotten me out, she started walking to the door, and I wheeled on behind her. When she opened the door, and I went in, the first thing I noticed was the noise. My house, with my parents prim and proper rules about what a household should be, was never loud. This place sounded like a bomb was going off all the time. Lisa led me down a hall, and opened one of the doors.   
  
Inside, a girl was stretched out across her bed, listening to headphones and reading a book. She looked up as the door opened, and then she took off her headphones.   
  
"Stephanie, this is Ellie. Ellie, this is your roommate. She'll help you out today so you know how things work around here. Ellie, I know you don't have any clothes or anything yet, but the police officer who was heading over to your house will have you mother pick out a few things you'll need here."  
  
"I won't be getting anything from her then," I muttered under my breath. Luckily, Lisa didn't hear me.   
  
"I'm sure you two will get along great," Lisa said, and then left, closing the door behind her.  
  
I didn't say anything to Stephanie, and she didn't say anything to me either. She stared at me for a few minutes, looking me up and down. I knew I should probably try to make conversation, but I was so tired that I couldn't bring myself to care. I wanted to crawl into bed, but I knew that was going to be hard.   
  
I struggled for a while, hoping someone would help me out, but Stephanie didn't budge and no one else came in. Finally, 10 minutes later, with Stephanie watching my every move, I crawled into bed and got under the covers. Within minutes I was fast asleep.  
  
I woke up two hours later, and Stephanie was still sitting on her bed listening to music. However, she now had a new book, The Great Gatsby. I yawned, and stretched, popping my shoulders back into place. They always got out of line when I slept.   
  
The pop must have been pretty loud, because Stephanie took off her headphones. "Awake?" she asked me.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Hungry?"  
  
"A little."  
  
"In the mood for people?"  
  
"Not particularly."  
  
She nodded in understanding, and opened her dresser drawer. Inside was hidden about five pieces of fruit. "I'm not supposed to have these. It's against the rule to keep food in the rooms."  
  
"I'm not going to tell anyone."  
  
She nodded approvingly, and threw me an apple. I thanked her, and started eating, just staring off into space.  
  
"Want to borrow a book?" she asked me.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Got a preference?"  
  
"Poetry, if you have it. Poe or Dickinson."  
  
"Sure," she said, tossing me a book of Emily Dickinson's poems. We sat in silence for a while, over an hour in fact, just reading. Well, I was eating my apple too. Finally she put down her book. Looking at me she said, "Best book ever."  
  
"Really?" I asked, not sure if I really wanted to get into a conversation, but not really able to help it. "I didn't think it was that great. I liked it, don't get me wrong, the ending was realistic, but I didn't like the beginning. I thought it was too slow."  
  
"Interesting…" she said, thinking about it for a minute. Then she replied, "but didn't you think the plot more than made up for the slow beginning?"  
  
"The way I see it, for a book to be really great, you shouldn't have to outweigh positives with negatives. You should just finish the book, and automatically love it. I didn't."  
  
"You read poetry?"   
  
"Sometimes," I replied. "Actually, I really asked you for those because I figured you'd have them and I wouldn't have to go through a mile long list to find a book you had that I wanted to read. But yeah, poetry is always good."  
  
"Best book ever?" she asked me.  
  
"Catch-22," I replied without blinking an eye.  
  
"Best TV show ever?" she asked.  
  
"Cartoon or real people?"  
  
"Either."  
  
"The Grim Adventures of Bill and Mandy with Daria as a close second. I like cartoons."  
  
"Favorite food?"  
  
"Spaghetti with meatless sauce. My friend's mom makes it best."  
  
"Ok, your turn," she told me.  
  
"Favorite color?"  
  
"Yellow."  
  
I looked at her, disbelieving. She was wearing all black. But I accepted that answer anyway.  
  
"Favorite school subject?"  
  
"English."  
  
"What you want to do with your life."  
  
"School counselor." She looked at me for a minute. Then she said, "And now, for the one required question. Everyone in here has to have at least one person ask him or her. Why are you here?"  
  
I hesitated, but then replied, "My dad beats me."  
  
She winced. "That's what happened to my last roommate. She used to scream in her sleep."  
  
"And you?"  
  
"My mom killed my dad when I was little because he beat on her. Then she killed herself."  
  
"How old were you?"  
  
"Three. Not old enough to remember anything." She turned over and looked at her clock. "Hmmm, 9 o'clock. In the mood for some real dinner? The big crowd will have all left by now."  
  
"Sure," I said, even though I really wasn't. I wanted to hang around her for a while longer, and since she had invited me…well, I'd eat.  
  
We headed into the kitchen, where there were some remains of fixings for sandwiches. I made myself a cheese and veggie sandwich. Then, making sure no one else was around, we headed back to our room. After eating, she pulled out another book from under her bed and threw it to me.   
  
"The Perks of Being a Wallflower," I read out loud.  
  
"I think you'll like it," she said, grabbing a book for herself.   
  
We read ourselves to sleep. 


	23. Going back

The next morning I woke up, really disoriented, until I remembered where I was. I rolled over, to see if Stephanie was awake yet. Since her bed was empty, I just lay there for a while. When I finally got up enough energy to drag myself out of bed, it was 6 o'clock. I always woke up a little later for school, but since the bus was coming earlier, I had to get up earlier.  
  
I realized I didn't have any clothes. Well, at least none except the ones I was wearing, and those were all wrinkly because I had slept in them, for lack of any pajamas. I figured I'd go find Lisa, and see if she had gotten me any clothes. I knew I was still supposed to be using the wheelchair, at least for the week, but I really didn't want to, especially since it took me so damn long to get into it. So I pulled myself into a sitting position, grabbed onto the bed frame, and got myself into a standing position, leaning heavily on the bed frame. I let go, carefully, and took a few steps. I thought I was doing okay, but with no warning, my legs gave way underneath me, and I sank to the ground.  
  
"Damn it!" I cried out in frustration. Now I was in the middle of the floor, with nothing to really grab onto. I began to drag myself over to the bed, so I could get myself when the door opened slowly.   
  
"Ashley," a voice, who I recognized as Lisa, called out, "time to…" she trailed off when she saw me. "Not using the wheelchair, huh?"  
  
"Yeah," I said sheepishly.   
  
"Come on," she said, picking me up into the chair. "Do you want to hear the good news first, or the two items of bad news?"  
  
"Um, the good news, I suppose."  
  
"I have clothes for you. A whole bunch of clothes, in fact. Plus toiletries, book bag, and a bunch of book I found on your desk."   
  
"And the bad news?"  
  
"Your mother didn't move a muscle to get anything, so I don't know if its okay or not."  
  
"Yeah, I should have warned you. My mother and I are on about as good a term as my father and I. Only difference is she didn't physically abuse me. She just let it happen."  
  
"You mean she saw it?"  
  
"Yeah, and she sat there."  
  
"Hmmmm. That's negligence, you know. She could be arrested for that."  
  
"And the other bad news?"  
  
"Well, actually this is another good news and bad news thing. Which first?"  
  
"Good."  
  
"Your father was arrested last night, and given a high bail of $100,000."  
  
"Wow! That much?"  
  
"Yeah, but now for the bad news. Your mom posted bail. Every penny. So you're dads out of jail, just as fast as he got into jail."  
  
"Does that mean I'm going home?" I asked. I could have kicked myself for asking that like I did. Every ounce of my voice was screaming, "I want to go home to be abused again!" Lisa looked at me, shocked. She heard that in my voice too.  
  
"You are not, I repeat, are not ever going home if I can help it. No matter how much you want to, you will not return there."  
  
"I don't really…well, I don't actually want to go home to be abused again. I just…"  
  
"Just what?"  
  
"I love my parents, despite everything. And maybe…maybe I deserved some of what I got. I was raised…" I started to say, but Lisa interrupted.  
  
"It doesn't matter how you were raised. You do not deserve to be abused, no matter what. Now get ready for school, you have a long day ahead of you. And young lady, stay in that wheelchair! I will not be picking you up again. I mean it!" she said, smiling.   
  
"Yes ma'am!" I said, saluting her. Once she got out of the room and shut the door, I pulled out some clothes to get dressed. The choices she had made for clothes were perfect, and I was ready for school in no time. And yes, I was in my wheelchair. I wheeled into the kitchen, snatched an apple, and headed out to where Lisa had told me the bus stop would be. I was right on time, but quickly found out that I wasn't going to get on that bus anytime soon.   
  
The driver took one look at me and said, "You're in a wheelchair."  
  
I wanted to scream. Obviously I was in a wheelchair. "Not being able to get on the bus," I thought to myself, "is not a good sign."  
  
"I'll radio down to the station to send a handicapped bus down here. You'll just have to wait." And with that, the bus driver took off down the road.  
  
Fifteen freezing minutes later, a short bus got there. A platform went down; I rolled onto it, locked myself in place, and got on the bus, where it was warmer. And then began the long drive to school. 


	24. Love, despite all

Since I was running late, I figured I only had time to get to my locker and then to class. I was disappointed, because I figured that I wouldn't get to see my friends. Of course, it was stupid of me to think they wouldn't be waiting for me at my locker.  
  
"El! I missed you so much!" Lindsey said, hugging me.   
  
"I missed you too."  
  
"Is it terrible in the place you're staying?" Craig asked, really concerned.  
  
"Nah, it's not too bad. I'm rooming with a girl named Stephanie. She's not all bad. Its not home though."  
  
"I should hope not!" Lindsey exclaimed. "Why would you want it to be like home?"  
  
The bell rang just then, and right before we split off to our separate classes, I responded, "Because it was safe."  
  
I got a lot of weird looks for that, but they couldn't ask me anything since they had to get to class. I don't think I would have explained it to them. Its hard, being uprooted from everything you've ever known. Sure, I was being hit in my home, but I knew what was going to happen. In the place I'm staying in now, I don't know what's going to happen. Even stupid things, like when I'll have dinner are totally changed. I'm not comfortable with change.  
  
I wheeled into Mr. Simpson's room. He wasn't looking too good, I noticed. Maybe he had the flu. He looked at me, concerned, but he didn't say anything. I had been assured by Mr. Raditch that the teachers knew not to ask me any questions.   
  
The day passed quickly. Soon, it was lunchtime. I went to my locker first, got my lunch, and headed to the elevator. I had been given the code to use it to get downstairs to the lunchroom. It was down a hallway that no one ever went down.   
  
I turned the corner, and ran into my dad. That's right, my dad.   
  
"Wha…What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here!" I said, in a strangled whisper. I could feel my chest getting tight, my palms got sweaty, and I got panicky.   
  
He grinned. My father never grinned, and he certainly never grinned like he was doing now. His whole face was lit up, like a kid on Christmas. This didn't help my panicking.   
  
"You left so abruptly. We were nervous for a while. And then the police man came. We though you had died." He said this with no sadness in his voice; it was like any other event. I might have been dead, and he didn't seem to care. "But then they arrested me. Bail at $100,000. Bet you didn't think we'd be able to get the money for that, did you?"  
  
"I s-swear," I said, stuttering, "I didn't know. I just, I…"  
  
"So why did you tell anyone? You knew this was supposed to be our little secret." He grabbed my arm, hard, wrenching it up. "You deserved it you know. You needed to be punished."  
  
"Daddy, you're hurting my arm," I whimpered, not sure what else to say.   
  
"I just wanted us to be a happy family, but you had to go and spoil everything, didn't you, you slut. Well, now you're going to learn a real lesson." He yanked me out of my wheelchair. Without it, I was helpless, and fell. My mind went back to Lisa saying she wouldn't get me back into my wheelchair again. With the way my father looked, I doubt she'd have to worry about taking me anywhere.  
  
He pulled out a gun. It was the one we kept in the basement, locked up. "Just in case" my father had said. I didn't think this is what he had in mind for it, when he bought it.  
  
I screamed, and he shot at the ceiling. "Shut up or someone will come running. This is just going to be you and me. You know, you haven't done anything with Lindsey yet. If you died now, we would be together in heaven. You wouldn't have to go to Hell. We could be together. Wouldn't you like that?"  
  
Tears were pouring from my eyes. I didn't want this to happen. For all I had to go through, and all the crap I knew I'd have to deal with in the future, I didn't want to die! I wanted to live!  
  
"Answer me!" he demanded.  
  
"NO!" I shouted. It wasn't much of a fight, but if he was going to kill me anyways, I might as well be honest with him.   
  
He winced at my shout, and shot at the ceiling again. "You don't know what you're saying. You love me. You still love me. You'll always love me, and you can't do anything about it. And now we can be together forever."  
  
He lowered the gun, and pointed it straight at my chest. In the stories, everyone always becomes brave at this moment, ready to face their fate. I was not one of those people. I wanted to live! I screamed, as loudly as I could, and then I heard a shot.   
  
I thought I was dead. I had to be dead. He couldn't have missed me. But dying wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It didn't even hurt. And then I saw my father, on the ground. And a cop, with gun still pointed, shaking.   
  
I screamed; my father was on the ground! He was hurt.   
  
"Get help, call 911! Do something! Help him!" I screamed.   
  
The police officer tried to guide me away. "There's nothing you can do anymore. He's dead. You can't help him."  
  
I tore away from him. "No! There has to be something." I grabbed my dad's body, and hugged him. Blood from his chest was all over me, but I didn't care.   
  
"He tried to hurt you. He had to stop him," another cop told me. I hadn't noticed that there were 4 total cops in the room.   
  
"But he's my dad," I said, sobbing.   
  
Two of them tried to pull me away, but the biggest one stopped them. "Leave her be for a minute."   
  
I was sobbing; my heart was tearing in two. I didn't know what to do, the pain wasn't like anything I'd ever felt. I'd been told that people always felt numb right after a death, but all I felt was pain. It hurt more than anything. It hurt more than when he beat me, or when the girls in the bathroom beat me. Despite everything, he was my father. I loved him.  
  
Sorry for the wait guys. I didn't know where to go from here with this, so I hope the ending is okay. What else could I have done with the dad? He needed to die. Anyways, I'm not quite done. There's still going to be an epilogue. There's a little more to the story. No sequel though, I promise. Besides, I already have another story idea. The epilogue will be here soon. 


	25. Epilogue

It was weeks later, weeks after my father had… Well, I still don't like to talk about it very much. I haven't seen my mother since the funeral. She wouldn't speak to me. She wouldn't even look at me. It was terrible, and my extended family sided with her. I'd never been really popular with my aunts and uncles, and when they found out why my father died, they were even less happy with me. They think his death is my fault. My mother even gave up all legal claims to me as a mother. That's what hurt most of all. I'm, legally at least, no longer her daughter. So, no home for Ellie.  
  
So instead, for the past few weeks I've been living in the same group home. It's been really lonely. Stephanie, my roommate, got placed with a family, and she likes it a lot there, and we still talk sometimes, but my new roommate won't speak to me. In fact, she won't speak to anyone. She won't speak, period. This is not a good thing if you want to start up a new friendship.   
  
On the bright side, Lindsey and I are still going out. Even through everything, she hasn't left me. And believe me, there's been a lot of reasons she could have left me. Let's just say I'm not a very nice person when I'm dealing with…when I'm dealing with stuff. And I had to deal with a lot of stuff.  
  
Oh and I'd like to set the record straight. Not only because the kids at school think we've…well, done it, but also because half the world thinks homosexuals will have sex with anyone. Contrary to popular belief, we haven't had sex yet. I know, everyone thinks lesbians have sex on the first date, but it's just not true. Lindsey and I have decided to wait until we're older to have sex, to make sure our love is real. At this point, however, I want to be with her forever.  
  
I'm seeing a therapist. She's not helpful. I don't have much to talk about. Ok, to be honest, I just don't want to talk. But, nevertheless, I go every week and waste the state's money.  
  
And this is where the story ends. Sure, my life isn't over yet, and it's not a perfect ending. If I really wanted to wrap it up nicely, I'd tell you that I had found a wonderful family who wants to adopt me, and that I was going to live happily ever after. But the fact is, not many homosexual kids get adopted, or even fostered. If this was going to be a happy ending, my mother would have taken me back, and not hurt me as much as she had. If this was a happy ending, well, a lot of things would be different. But from where I stand, things are ok. Not great, not bad, but ok enough for me to close this chapter of my life.   
  
The End 


	26. Author's Notes

Thanks for sticking with me throughout this very long, slowly updated story. As always, any questions or comments that you do not want posted on fanfiction.net can be sent directly to my email, the_misery_chick722@yahoo.com  
  
Stay tuned for my next story, coming soon. 


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